A Child Again

Written in 2017

The monotonous humming sound of the CT scan machine was all I could hear in the otherwise silent room. I looked at the person who was lying still on the bed as the machine scanned his brain to detect the spread of Dementia. As he lay helpless in the cold confines of the machine, my thoughts went back to my younger days when the person in front of me had been in the prime of his health. The same hands which would hold me and stop me from falling down, now looked frail. The face, which was considered handsome in its heyday, now appeared worn and wrinkled. The person whom everyone feared for his temper not so long ago was now a very weak replica of himself, which was exaggerated even more with the onset of this memory sapping disease.  I could not stop a tear as I looked at my father.

When a child is born, he brings a sense of hope and optimism to his parents and family; a sense that this new life may bring something new into their world. Every parent, irrespective of their economic and social status, prepares for this moment with utmost care which includes regular visits to the gynecologist, discussions on the rights and wrongs with relatives and well-wishers. Some even go to the extent of reading books on parenting and re-modelling their houses to welcome the new-born. Every minute detail of the new-born is monitored by the new parents, especially the mother not because she has been told to do it but because she feels a natural sense of bonding with the life which had been a part of her body for close to 9 months. The infant seems to develop a new trait with every passing hour and the enthusiastic parents meticulously maintain a log of these developments. In the modern world, these moments are also captured for posterity through digital modes and occupy multiple terabytes in some Hard disk.    

The infant is vibrant and seems to have an unlimited source of energy.  Any drop in energy levels due to ill-health, which is also a frequent occurrence, is a source of concern for the new parents. They leave their normal routine and tend to the infant, again not because someone has told them to but because they feel a sense of inherent responsibility for the life that they brought into this world. The schedule of the parents change in line with the changing whims of the little one. Every sneeze is a reason for a call to the doctor and every small variation in sleep pattern sets the alarm bells ringing and leads to sleepless nights for the parents. Patience is a virtue that the parents develop naturally.

The infant slowly develops his sensory organs and starts exploring the world around him, first with sight and sound and thereafter with touch and taste. The parents slowly introduce him to external foods and start understanding his dietary preferences. “He has a sweet tooth” or “Look at him licking his lips every time I feed him this stuff” are common epithets that we hear from parents. In a few months, he starts understanding the concept of motion and realizes that he can actually reach the things that has caught his fancy rather than having to cry and get someone to bring them to him. The progress now seems so much faster as the crawl soon gets upgraded to moving on all fours, to standing on his own and then walking. Each event is logged and shared with well-wishers. Every day is a learning experience and an addition to his memory bank and hence the parents ensure that their child inculcates the right values right from this early age.

Before the parents realize it, the child is a toddler and ready to get the first exposure of life without his parents. The parents ensure that he gets into the best school possible. The first day to school is an event in every family and the parents plan their other schedules to accommodate the school timings. As the child progresses through school, his knowledge levels keep increasing. The parents silently applaud themselves on his successes and become anxious upon his failures. For the child, the initial fear of the unknown quickly gets overshadowed by the exuberance of independence. As he progresses through school, it is this independent streak which gradually exposes him to the world at large. Depending on the influences, he starts imbibing traits and it needs a degree of control by the parents to ensure that these are more positive than otherwise. It is time for his higher education and most parents are required to dig deep into their finances.

And then the day arrives when he starts his professional life. The security of an income removes the final strand of financial dependence with his parents and what remains is only an emotional connect.

These 20 years have been an emotional roller-coaster for the parents. Moments of ecstasy from their child’s achievements are interspersed with a reasonable share of disappointments when their expectations are not met. During these 20 years, they have nurtured him from just being a part of them to a strapping adult who is ready to take on the world. During these 2 decades, he has been the focal point of their lives and they have had to make compromises to fulfil his every need. They have held his hand, tightly at first and then consciously loosened their grip as time passed and now all that remains with them are memories.

During these 20 years, as their focus is on the child that is entering adulthood, very few realize the other major transformation happening in their family as a set of adults, namely their parents, have slowly begun their journey into becoming Senior citizens. Just as a child becomes an independent adult when he gets his first job or when he starts working professionally, an adult starts his journey to becoming a senior citizen when he retires from his profession. In case of housewives, this phase sets in much later in life since she continues to dedicate herself to the household chores, first for her spouse and then for her children before making her grand-children the focus of her life.

The day after retirement brings in a huge realization that he does not have anything to aspire for and life has passed him by. Some accept this act of nature and devote their time to other pursuits but a majority are not able to adjust to this stark reality and succumb to the negativity that seems to pervade their mind. If childhood is defined by traits such as financial dependence, need for love and care, rapid changes to bodily functions and mental faculties then these are exactly the characteristics of senior citizens as well. The only difference is that in the case of senior citizens, the changes are for worse. 

When the senior citizen is not able to accept this reality or when he becomes victim to any serious physical or mental ailments, the deterioration is accelerated. A senior citizen starts losing control over his mind and when that happens, it starts doing strange things. Every action of his family members is seen as a reinforcement of his dependent status. Any opinions to the contrary is seen as a loss of control and a dent in his pride. The sane inner voice that he were reliant on until very recently now seems to be hinting at a conspiracy theory at every instance. This behaviour heralds the birth of the 'senior child'. To the next of kin, the senior citizen, who until recently was the head of their family, suddenly seems agitated. He does not seem to understand reason and contrives to throw a different meaning, generally negative, to everything being said. 

As this transition is happening in the life of the senior citizen, their sons/daughters are typically in the peak of their careers and in many cases also have a child or children to contend with. The associated stress is already taking a toll on their work-life balance. Add a ‘senior child’ to this mix and all hell breaks loose. Stubbornness, mood swings and inability to comprehend simple things is considered as expected behavior in a child but when the same is exhibited by senior citizens, it becomes a cause of annoyance and irritation.

An adult transforming into a senior citizen is an act of nature which cannot be prevented but a senior citizen’s transition to becoming a senior child can be prolonged or even avoided if the close family continue to interact with him in the same manner that they were doing before. They need to understand that giving their aging parents the same degree of independence and importance that they enjoyed before becoming senior citizens is the best way to prevent them from becoming self depreciating. Just as a child yearns for independence but also needs the love and care of his parents in the growing years, so does the senior child. He longs for someone to hold his hand when he walks or crosses the street but his pride does not allow him to ask for this support. Whenever he does ask, he generally finds that the same hand that would be extended to seek his support not so long ago, is now limp and withdrawn.  During moments of depression he seeks a warm hug just like the one he would have given his children until a few years ago, but all he gets is a cold embrace.

It is necessary that we all understand that aging is a natural process and we have to plan for the arrival of the ‘senior child’ in our midst very similar to what we do to welcome our child into this world. As doting parents, we plan our schedules to suit the whims of our child. Similarly, we need to adjust our routine for the ‘senior child’ in our family. While the mother carefully understands her child’s dietary needs and lovingly prepares a different menu for him, we need to realize that senior children also have their dietary preferences, some of them forced, and try to fulfill them. As parents, we ensure that we spend quality time with our children at every possible opportunity. The senior child also feels the need for some private moments with his children who in turn need to find time in their busy lives for these conversations. We often make the mistake of taking the senior child for granted when we make important decisions in the family. This adds to his feeling of being unwanted and importantly his ability and confidence to take even the small decisions starts deteriorating. Rather, we should facilitate his thinking and let him contribute to decisions we make.  As a parent, we patiently guide our child during his early years as he develops his basic skills but as a guardian of a ‘senior child’ we seem to lose our patience at every possible instance. We fail to understand that with every passing day, his ability to comprehend things is decreasing and our act of impatience is hurting him emotionally. 

A senior child who has serious health issues needs even more care, very similar to a child who is prone to sickness. Age related ailments like Parkinson's and Dementia are some of the worst things that can happen to a senior child since it draws away every shred of confidence remaining in him. For the family, a senior child with these ailments is very much like a toddler who cannot be left alone and who needs to be reminded about even the basic activities of daily life. It is extremely important that we do not remind him of this weakness but actually take his mind away from it. While we feel that by trying to ask him questions we are exercising his memory, we need to understand that their overall mental condition which is past the age of learning. It may be better to flow with the tide and act natural during their bouts of memory loss. We also take the easy route of moving the senior child to an elderly home under the pretext of providing them a more personalized care. Little do we realize that what they need is the presence of their family around them, however aloof they may be, rather than a paid attendant who has no emotional attachment with them. It is also unfortunate that many among us leave the senior child to themselves while we build our careers in a different country or city. Every passing day without his near and dear ones next to him is taking him further down the road of depression. Many senior children may not spell this out but don't we as parents read the mind of our child? Why do we ignore the messages that the mind of a senior child is telling us? There are times when the doting parents sit next to their sleeping child and run their fingers through his hair, gently caress his tiny fingers or just plant a tender kiss on his cheek. Why do we not have these moments of unconditional love with our senior child? Don’t we feel a sense of caring when we see him curled up and sleeping, his body now a poor image of its adult version, his skin wrinkled and loose and head crammed with memories of a lifetime and worries for the future of his kin?

The sound of the door opening suddenly brought me back to the present. The attendant walked in and pressed some buttons to shut down the machine. My father got up slowly and gave me a smile just as a child would do when he sees his parent waiting for him outside the school gate. I took his hand and helped him to his feet. As the father and son walked out of the hospital hand in hand and into the sunset, I could not help but reminisce about the reality that our roles were now reversed.  

He had become a child again!!!